Friday, October 4, 2013

Top 5 Tim Tebow Alternatives For the Jaguars

Hello, Page View Nurse
Reports on the Interwebs have the NFL's worst franchise thinking hard about hiring the NFL's worst "QB", and I, for one, seriously think this 0-4 team probably should do it. As far as we can tell, the team is selling off assets as quickly as possible, giving new head coach Gus Bradley no chance at all of pulling them out of their death spiral, and going for the first NFL Anti-Perfection year since those fabled Expansion Yuccaneers of the mid 1970s. The NFL doesn't have a draft lottery, so if you really want to lock down that top pick in a world where three other franchises are winless and circling the drain. Dumb money spends just as green as smart money, and it's not as if you are wasting anything by getting away from Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne.

But what if ESPN's Favorite Scrub doesn't want the job, or gets hurt as he tries one of those patented Hold The Ball For As Long As Possible And See What Happens plays? Why, the Jags are going to need something new to bring in the suck... um, rube... um, crowds. Yes, crowds!

So as a public service to LA or London's next team, here are five more candidates who are sure to ring the cash registers...

5) Adam Sandler. What's better than re-enacting that terrible "Longest Yard" with the star? As we've seen from the past several years, Sandler will do just about anything for money, and the stands will fill to see if he does something funny or gets permanent brain danger. Which would also be funny!

4) Jeff George. Just to see Jason Whitlock mark out for his lust object and fascination point. Sure, George is ancient, annoying, and might have become old enough to acquire the wisdom necessary to say no. And then again, maybe not. Come on down!

3) Rex Grossman. If everyone is going to mark out for ex Gator Boys why not pick up the one that's actually been to a Super Bowl? The Rex Cannon brings his own merch from the KSK Web site, and it's not as if Rexy won't be more entertaining than checkdown specialists. Unleash the dragon!

2) Barbara Jean Blank. Don't recognize the name? That's because her celebrity is based around her stage name, aka "Kelly Kelly", a leggy WWE pro wrestler and proud Jacksonville native. Will opposing players heel up and hit her? What kind of box office would the NFL's first female player provide? Will her experience in taking bumps make her less injury-prone than, say, Darren McFadden and Danny Amendola? (Yes, I have both of them on my fantasy team. Funsies.) I think we're all tuning in to find out, and watching the spread with fascination. (Heh heh. I said spread.)

1) Shahid Khan. Sure, the Pakistani-born owner of the Jags is worth more than just about 500 people on the planet, but that just means you're better and smarter than everyone else, right Shahid? Also, aren't fabulously wealthy people supposed to be super-cheap, too? Save that salary and become the NFL's first owner-player in, probably, forever. I, for one, would love to see if you can bribe refs and/or opponents pre-snap, while the home crowd screams for your blood. C'mon, Shahid, show all of those players how rich people compete!

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