Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Top 10 reasons why the Super Bowl will not allow tailgating

10) Tail gating is something that, you know, the Not Absurdly Wealthy do

9) Security for the game is very tight, which extends to the foodstuffs inside the bodies of the spectators

8) People who eat and drink outside of a stadium are failing to observe the NFL's need to fully monetize the experience, while displaying dangerous amounts of free will

7) If you have a good time while tail gating, you've defeated the whole purpose of a Super Bowl in Northern New Jersey in February

6) Very afraid Chris Christie and Rex Ryan will show up and ruin their stomach lap bands

5) Since neither the Jets nor the Giants will be there, the NFL can't be sure that the tailgaters will be classy and well-behaved

4) Tailgaters are unlikely to pay $51 (such a bargain!) for the only approved automotive service to the game, AKA a licensed NFL Profit Bus

3) Wanted to be sure that stomachs are as empty as possible for Bruno Mars

2) It's all part of a massive psychological experiment to see if it is, in fact, possible to not sell out a Super Bowl

1) Once you limit parking, outlaw tailgating, restrict ticket exchanges and host a game in the most expensive area of the country, organ harvesting, DNA imprinting and indentured servitude really doesn't seem unreasonable

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