Friday, January 24, 2014

Top 10 takeaways from the Browns (finally) hiring a coach

Son, You've Got A Bone On Your Head
10) Mike Pettine is said to be a disciple of Rex Ryan, which means that lucky Browns Fan is about to get the Dirty Sanchez

9) Pettine says that his lifelong dream is to be an NFL head coach, which just goes to show that he should have given his dreams some qualifications

8) There's a very good chance that they won't fire this coach in a year, because it's better to vary the comedy

7) The Browns are congratulating themselves on being thorough, which is absolutely true, given how thoroughly they embarrassed themselves

6) If Pettins is extremely fortunate, he won't be competing with the guys who pulled out of consideration for this job at his new job interview

5) Their new coach was the last defensive coordinator of the Buffalo Bills, which makes sense, given how that team had a deep playoff run, making it impossible to speak enough to Pettine up to now

4) Pettine's defense was second in the league in sacks this year, and only 4 of those came against the Browns, so that's a legitimate accomplishment

3) Hiring a low-profile defensive coordinator from a team that didn't make the playoffs while giving up 388 points with the 28th-ranked run defense, for a club that may have two reasonable starters on offense, is sure to work

2) This hire could work out if Pettine is able to pair up with a proven offensive coordinator like Norv Turner, who somehow got offense out a carousel of crud QBs and glue-factory ready RBs -- oh, um, whoops

1) For yet another year, it's clear that God hates Ohio football fans

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