Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Top 10 lessons that Barry Bonds is teaching the Giants

Heads Do Shrink After All
For the first time since 2007, baseball's all-time home run leader (that will never, ever be thought about in that way by anyone but Giants fans) put on a uniform and showed up in spring training. What will Barry Bonds be teaching the current players?

10) Just how much your head will shrink back after your, um, playing career is over

9) How some members of the media will forget decades of churlish behavior if you only just help them fill the news hole on a blank day years later

8) That everything Jeff Kent taught them a little while back was total bullsquat

7) The important historical lesson that MLB used to have actual African-Americans in the line up

6) How Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were the real villains of the steroid era, since they dared to put up better numbers and make more money than him with their needle work

5) Which massive pads give you the best opportunity to take first base on anything on the inside part of the plate with absolutely no danger to life and limb

4) How to interview stooges and flunkies so that they won't flip and turn state's evidence on you, and why that "Breaking Bad" trick with the money in the PO boxes never works

3) Why you should never, ever, put a ring on the hand of the woman that bore your children

2) How little it matters when the vast majority of decent human beings hate you, since your pariah status can be taken care of by the work of a competent entourage and PR staff

1) That while people say flags fly forever in regards to World Series championships, an ungodly amount of money is what people who aren't chumps want

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