Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Top 11 reasons why the Bengals signed Andy Dalton to a 6-year, $115 million deal

Oopsie
11) It's an NFL contract, so anything but the signing bonus and the amount of his last paycheck is mostly theoretical

10) Job security has done wonders to properly motivate Marvin Lewis to playoff success

9) Team does not provide playoff game highlights to ownership

8) He was underpaid for a really long time, so the team wanted to make sure everyone forgot about that with a vengeance

7) Finally convinces red-headed American males that life may be worth living

6) Wanted to give Dalton a chance to finally be drafted in your fantasy league, rather than just serve as the Bye Week Bitch

5) The club says he's "done everything just the way you wanted him to, from the day he got here", which means they clearly wanted to go 0-3 in his playoff starts

4) Team wants to be just like the Ravens, who also overpaid a game manager QB

3) Someone has to be happy to be a Bengal, dammit

2) A quarterback's leadership ability is always directly related to how much they are paid, because football players only pay attention to paycheck size

1) Don't let the last few years of relative competence fool you; Mike Brown is still the GM

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