Tom Brady: Of course we've been cheating on the inflation level of the balls. That isn't because we're scummier than everyone else. Everyone in the NFL would stab you in the ear for nickels. It's because we're smarter than everyone else. We play in the AFC East; this isn't a high bar to pass.
And it doesn't matter that you caught us, and it doesn't matter what I might say about it, because you can't take us out of the game, and you aren't going to penalize us a lot for it next year, because we own Goodell. So, um, STFU.
Marshawn Lynch: Do any of you people have any idea how crappy Buffalo was for me, and how much the local media there made my life a living hell? Oh, no, you don't, because you think I came to Seattle and they invented me, and any man could do what I do, even though there hasn't been a power back like me, in, well, forever.
Oh by the way, the money they charge me for fines? I've got more of it than I'll ever need, and I'm not looking to whore myself out for more after I'm done with this game. Which might be any minute now. So, yeah, not going to make life any better for people who don't matter. What are they going to do, write mean things about me that I'm not going to read?
Rob Gronkowski: Hey, that lady who wrote the erotic fiction about me that you all can't stop giggling about? That's flattering and all, but you all shouldn't have. I can pretty much have my way with any man, woman or child in the greater Boston area any time I want, for any number of reasons.
So, if we win this game? I'm going to make an animal of myself. It will be upsetting. It will be unholy. And if we lose? It will be worse. You probably shouldn't be in the same state with me.
Russell Wilson: Man alive, am I glad that all of you people have gone in the tank for all of these sideshows. I've gone through a soul-crushing divorce in the year after winning the Super Bowl, and I'm on the doorstep of a payday that staggers the imagination.
No one's even thinking about that 4-INT crapstorm I unleashed in the NFC Championship Game, or how I needed Mike McCarthy to choke the life out of his team to give us an out. And you wonder why I went all God in the post-game interview? Winning that game was a goddamned miracle.
Bill Belichick: I can't believe I have to sit up here and pretend that we give a rat's ass about the rules. We hired Aaron Hernandez, you mooks. We spied on other team's practices. I'd have my guys stab people n pileups if I thought we could get away with it. Every day of the week.
Look, you think it's easy to get to this game? We don't have a special pipeline for new personnel; we draft and sign free agents the same as everyone else. You want big numbers or nice weather or sane local media or fans? You don't come here. All I can offer you is the promise that I will do everything inhumanly possible to win games, and that I'm the smartest and most ruthless person to walk the planet.
And I'm getting old. Anyone got a kid they want to sell me for organs?
Richard Sherman: You want to know what really motivates me? The fact that if my team loses, every racist cracker in AmeriKKKa is going to think it's Christmas and the Fourth of July all in one. Oh, and that they have wet dreams about pulling on my dreads.
Doesn't matter that they'd all mark out for me if I were on their team, and we were winning. Doesn't matter that I'm making bank from commercials that used to only go to super-safe dudes. Doesn't matter that I finished the last game with one freaking arm, and that if I were a white guy, we would have spent the last two weeks talking about how gritty I am. Oh, and if you think you are getting a straight answer from me about my physical condition now, you are out of your minds. That's only coming out if we lose. I went to Stanford, and I'm the only CB in the league getting endorsement dollars. Keep on thinking I'm stupid.
Roger Goodell: You think anything you numbnuts say bothers me? 30 second spots are selling for more than ever before. The ratings are better than ever. Sure, the game has long-term issues, but I'll be long gone by the time anyone realizes that no one from a family over the poverty line has joined the NFL in a decade.
I don't really give a fart in church about football in Los Angeles, or London, or anywhere else you think the NFL should go. I'm going to have games on every goddamned night of the week, because you marks are just going to keep watching it. There's massive use of Human Growth Hormone -- what, you think we've gotten 350-pound linemen who can run, when 30 years ago the biggest guy in the league was 275, without chemicals? -- and anyone who plays the game as a non-QB for more than five years is going to die decades earlier than they should.
I run a game built on blood. That's why you watch, and that's why it makes so much money. We hide it to get women and kids to watch to pump up the numbers, but if it's not about blood, you wouldn't watch. And you expect me to give a damn about some woman getting smacked around?