Sunday, March 15, 2015

Is Chip Kelly Dead?

Pour Another Smoothie On The Ground
As I write this, it is in the wee small hours of the morning on Saturday night / Sunday morning. Thanks to a bout of what was likely food poisoning and the continuing plague that is my ever-flooding basement, I'm up and doing things, having been out during the day. And there is nothing -- nothing! -- on the sports sites or Twitter or the team's web page or any other place where I've spent too much time in the past week about what the team is doing now.

I mean, there's still a guard to get to replace Todd Herremans, another guard to get if you sell Evan Mathis for pennies on the dollar (as rumored on Friday), a safety to pick up to replace Nate Allen, the recipient of one of those late in free agency overpay contracts that the worst teams in football always make, and a WR to replace the still gone and we're still mourning Jeremy Maclin.

Plus, Sam Bradford has been here for days already -- days! -- and supposedly the Browns offered up their first round pick (#19) for him, and the continuing refusal to admit that the club has any inclination to trade up for Oregon QB Marcus Mariota is one of those Sure Chip, We Believes You Lots moments. (To be fair to Chip, press conferences at this time of the year should be predated with "Telling you people anything close to the truth puts me at a tactical disadvantage, so enjoy the next thirty minutes of lying. I know I will.")

Anyway, seriously, what gives? I've come to accept earth-shattering trades and signings on a daily basis now; this is the New Normal. (Along with flooded basements and food poisoning, apparently. I didn't say the New Normal was nice.)

So, seriously. Someone check on Chip. Make sure that he didn't get a stronger dose than I did, that some sports talk radio yahoo didn't take a shot at him with a gun, that he isn't found slumped over his desk, his last dying doodle a 4-RB formation out of a 3-OL set, where each back runs it for a yard apiece in a massive time-share lateral chain.

I mean, there hasn't been a major move in DAYS, people. DAYS.

(Admit it, you're worried now, aren't you? IT ALL MAKES SENSE. Unlike, well, much of the last week...)

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