Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Top 10 takeaways from the Patriots DeflateGate Punishment

Cue The Sadness
10) Tom Brady will miss the first four games of next season, also known as that part of the year When Patriot Fan Freaks Out About How His Team Might Not Win Their Cake Division For No Good Reason At All

9) The loss of a first and fourth round draft picks in future drafts will clearly make the Pats Cheat Even Harder in future, since this will help to cut down their window

8) Missing September will cost Dreamboat $2 million in salary, but one suspects he probably can handle that

7) The indefinite suspension of the clubhouse guy known as "The Deflator" will protect the league's integrity from dastardly patsies

6) Patriots' owner / assistant commish Bob Kraft said the punishment "far exceeded any reasonable expectation", which just goes to show how much people can differ on the definition of the word "reasonable"

5) To everyone who feels that this is a tempest in a teapot over a game the Pats won handily against the paper lion Colts, I admire your ESP abilities to know just how many times they pulled this nonsense before that game

4) Brady's agent says he will appeal, which surprises, um, not a single person on the planet

3) The report leading to the punishment was 243 pages long, which has to set some kind of record for padding

2) The fine to the Patriots was the largest in NFL history, at least until the next time the club gets caught doing something that fundamentally damages the integrity of the league

1) The news brought ESPN to Defcon 1, where the channel stops broadcasting games and locks all pundits in a safe room for 24 hour relentless marathon of constant Hot Takery

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