Thursday, June 4, 2015

LeSean McCoy Is Having Sex With Goats

Who Are We To Judge?
Just once, and I do mean just one freaking time, I'd like to see a prominent Philadelphia athlete leave town without the end being a goddamn train wreck.

LeSean McCoy is in the conversation for Best RB in Eagles History. Had he been given the opportunity to finish his career in the laundry, the numbers would all have been his, and while you can always argue that different eras don't translate, the best of McCoy passed the eye test. Sure, there was some off-field noise -- there is with damned near everyone in this age -- but to be an NFL fan now is an exercise in focusing only on Game, and McCoy had (has?) immense game. The fact that the team did not win a playoff game during his tenure here doesn't diminish that; it just makes him a minor variant of Barry Sanders, I guess.

His trade to Buffalo is far from Nero Kelly's worst move -- that will be Brittle Bones Bradford, but that's a whole 'nother bucket of suck -- but it was still depressing. Just because DeMarco Murray was a better RB last year doesn't mean he'll be so again in 2015, and the world is filled with people who have been disappointed by Ryan Matthews' inability to stay on a football field.

Now, when McCoy got ran off, he did what young people who have been dismissed without real cause do in just about every employment field in America -- he bitched about it, and said unkind things about his idiotic old boss. In this case, racial things. Indefensible racial things, in that the Eagles still employ talented African-Americans, and hired more in the draft and free agency.

McCoy could have put some nuance in his comments, and gotten closer to the possible truth. That would be that Nero runs off the uppity, regardless of skin color, and that hiring first for servility gets you things like Tim Tebow, QB Who Can Not Throw A Football, and a decreasing number of motivated offensive lineman. But so be it. Young people make mistakes, especially in front of microphones, and maybe McCoy will go run off his snarl in a month of OTAs, and know better the next time he faced the ever-welcoming media.

Today, um, nope.

"I don't have to explain myself to nobody. Nobody. I don't. I said what I said, said what I felt at the time and I'm done with that."

After the inevitable No, Seriously, You're Sticking With Calling Your Old Coach A Racist question...

"Did you just hear what I just said here? Then why did you ... I just told you, I'm not talking no more about Chip Kelly or the Eagles. So I'm done with that. You can ask me about the Bills."

Once more with the Um, Sorry, The Fact That You Aren't Backing Down From Calling Your Old Coach/GM A Racist Is News question...

"Yo? Are y'all listening to me? Can I say it any other way? I'm not talking about Chip Kelly or no Eagles. So I'll be done with this interview if nobody else has anything to say about the Bills."

And, finally... "I never regret nothing I say. Never. Nothing I do. Never regret it."

So, Shady? Let me show you how this works. And just how much fun it is to have your existence reduced to character assassination. When, honestly, there's so many better ways to assassinate Nero.

(deep breath)

I think you like to have sex with goats.

I don't have to explain why I think you have sex with goats.

It's what I felt at the time I wrote it, and hey, you're the guy having sex with goats here, not me.

No, seriously, did you read what I just wrote?

It's about you having sex with goats.

There's no evidence to it, but you've made me feel bad with your words since leaving town, and I can't say it any other way.

You have sex with goats.

Is this point clear yet, or are you too busy lubing up your goat to catch it?

Calling people who made you mad racist, when there is no evidence of it, let alone anything at all to be gained from the statement?

That's the kind of thing that only people who have sex with goats do.

And now, everyone, enjoy this little number from the Mountain Goats. It's not really about being an Eagles Fan, but oh, man, it could be.

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