Sunday, August 23, 2015

Top 10 things I've learned from the NFL Network's Week Two Exhibition Coverage

Orifices, You Say
10) The fourth quarter of every game is filled with guys who are being watched by other teams, rather than dockworker unions and organized crime syndicates

9) Arizona's Ron Wolfley really wants to talk about orifices, and no one will stop him

8) The most manly thing you can do with Hurt Feelings is to channel them into playing football with Moar Intensity

7) It is very important to break into replays of games with highlights of games that happened days ago

6) Players who are struggling to make teams benefit strongly from having entertaining origin stories or odd hobbies, because it shows they are Good Kids Who Should Be Rooted For

5) The preseason is for refs to be even worse than the regular season, which is why they throw so many flags, and the higher rate of flags has nothing to do with the guys who are going to be on the docks next week

4) Every coach is above average, and every team has the most fun

3) While we can feel charitable towards the deep reserves who are trying to make a team, the possibility of overtime is most awful thing in the history of the world

2) Game replays will be cut for time, because NFLN has to get to very important days-old highlights of other games that don't matter

1) If you are not driven out of your mind from the same set of five high frequency house ads, it will not be for lack of trying

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