Sunday, September 20, 2015

Eagles - Cowboys Diary

Getting Even More Used To This
> For some reason, Joe Buck is unshaven, which is about as exciting as Buck gets

> It's reported that DeMarco Murray stared down the Cowboys in pre-game, so, um, woo

> K Cody Parkey with a limping touchback, and he's still a concern

> Loss of a yard for RB Julien Randle and false start keeps the crowd loud

> Romo from the gun, sacked by LB Connor Barwin on a stunt, and where was that last week

> 3rd and 22 to get off the field fast is a give up run to RB Lance Dunbar; he gets 8 and that's that

> P Chris Jones gives PR Darren Sproles a chance, and he gets 14 to start things at the Green 39

> Murray for 1 inside, then a nice catch by WR Nelson Agholor for 8

> 3rd and 1 from the gun is a deep out to WR Jordan Matthews, no chance, 3 and out and that's just a terrible low success rate play call and gahhh

> For a guy with a cannon of an arm, QB Sam Bradford just has not impressed at all to date with the deep ball

> For some reason that no one will ever be able to explain, Green takes a time out on fourth and one from midfield, when a delay penalty would not have mattered at all

> Fox talks about how wonderful HC Chip Kelly is, as if that wasn't a total waste of a possession and timeout

> Randle for six, then two, as Dallas tries to get back to equilibrium

> 3rd and 2 from the gun is Romo to WR Cole Beasley, but CB Brandon Maxwell rides him down before the sticks, and that's a nice play

> Jones does great directional work for all net, and Green will start at their own 18

> Murray for 3 yards and a fast-moving cloud of dust

> Bradford for Agholor, obvious PI flag only takes five seconds to fly after the ball was released

> The penalty is still called despite by Fox color analyst Troy Aikmann waving Cowboy pom poms

> Sproles for a 4 yard loss on that sprint draw run that hasn't worked in two years, but Chip Kelly is a genius

> Bradford to Murray in the flat, makes a man miss for 6 yard checkdown

> 3rd and 8 to keep the ball is a bad drop by Matthews, and the offense is now 3 for 15 on third down this year

> So what we're saying is that the Kelly offense isn't good when it actually matters, and that they've squandered early good work by the defense that won't hold up

> Romo to WR Terrance Williams, easy slant for 15 in front of Maxwell

> Randle for 4 after an early missed tackle

> Romo with all day on play action, Randle for 14

> Randle for 5, run defense not as good as advertised

> Randle with good patience and makes LB Mychael Kendricks miss, and that's another first down

> Romo to Williams for 19, on Maxwell, and yeah, it's the same not good enough coverage from the same not good enough scheme

> Randle for 3, then TE Gavin Escobar for what should have been a score on LB DeMecco Ryans, the aging MLB that Nero just had to have back

> Blown challenge stops the score, then DT Beau Allen explodes Randle for a sign of a pulse

> Second from the 2 is a miss to Escobar, as LB Kiko Alonson has decent coverage

> Third from the 2 is redemption for Ryans, who knocks down a slow throw to Witten

> Not exactly a ballsy goal line sequence from a team that prides itself on its offensive line

> K Dan Bailey connects, 3-0 Silver with a minute left in the first

> Murray for 2, then loses 2, and yeah, maybe a power back without guards is not exactly good GM work

> 3rd and 10 is slower tempo, which doesn't exactly inspire confidence, as WR Miles Austin can't make a catch because he's, well, Miles Austin

> Romo to WR Devin Street for 18, and CB Nolan Carroll can't cover anyone, either

> Romo to RB Darren McFadden for 14, and I'm reconsidering my life choices

> Romo to TE Jeff Swayne for no gain on a play that's useless trickeration, because HC Jason Garrett can't just take beating the opponent with the easy stuff

> Romo takes a shove sack from DE Cedric Thornton, as the DL tries more to take the ball than the man, but hey, whoopie, a sack

> 3rd and 17 is a delay, then 3rd and 22 is a give up screen for 7 to McFadden, and if the NFC East is good, I'm an airplane

> Jones to Sproles, fair catch

> Bradford to Mathwes for 2, Murray for 1, and it's as if there is a terrible offensive line behind a

> 3rd and 7 is a miss to TE Zach Ertz, he's not open and the ball has to come out hot due to the weak line work

> Silver starts with a false start, then Randle makes three guys miss to make three yards

> 2nd and 12 is Romo from the gun, misses Williams as his feet weren't settled due to pressure

> 3rd and 12 and continue to cover for the piss-poor offense is Romo from the gun to Williams, who out-muscles Carroll to move the sticks; it comes back on illegal formation (lucky)

> Six flags on Silver so far, three on the o-line, which might not be as good as they say they are, either

> 3rd and 17 give up to Witten, and Alonso gets him down after 10 yards

> Sproles might need to take one back for Green to score in this game, but Jones keeps making him take fair catches

> Bradford is 3 for 7 for 17 yards, which is just hard to do, really

> Bradford to Ertz for 2 yards on the screen that should never be called again

> Bradford almost falls, Murray gets mashed for a 3-yard loss, and this OL is terrible

> 3rd and 11 is a screen to Sproles that works and is called back ASAP for the pick play on Ertz, and christ

> 3rd and 21 is a give up screen to Sproles, because Sam Bradford lives for checkdown plays that don't matter

> Beasley runs 20 yards to go nowhere, Silver takes a flag, and this game is horrible

> Romo to Witten for 5, then Randle for 2 as Fox tells us that Alonso is out for the rest of the game with a knee injury, and woo, that's just wonderful

> 3rd and 3 from the gun is a Silver excuse me time out, because Silver gets to do that after the clock goes to zero

> Empty backfield, Romo to Witten, easy conversion, and Silver just needs to be patient and use the TEs with Alonso out

> Romo to Randle on a very delayed screen, obvious men leaving early flag, Silver's 7th flag of the half

> 2nd and 15 is Romo to Witten for 11, and he's open every down, with no pressure

> Romo waits out the 2-minute warning, because this game just can't get any more exciting

> DE Vinny Curry with the free first down for jumping, then Romo from the gun to Witten for a short gain, then 15 more, because hitting TEs before the whistle is no longer allowed

> Williams with a drop, and this is not preseason, honest

> Romo tries Dunbar on a wheel route, and Kendricks stays with him just long enough to prevent a TD

> 3rd and 10 from the 44 is Romo from the gun on late count, Beasley for not enough with holding in the secondary on Ryans, and that's another gift flag

> Kendricks off, and the team now has no good LBs left, which kind of matters

> Obvious forward pass is called as a fumble, and will be reviewed and overturned, but only after this atrocity of football takes up more of our lives

> False start on Silver, everyone arguing, what a marvelous piece of work is man, how noble the mind, how gentle the spirit

> Romo from the gun, full clock as always, Witten doesn't get a call as he trips near Carroll... but hold on, we can now make flag calls minutes after the play ends

> Hands to the face for an automatic first down, and I'd be outraged if I still gave a damn

> Romo to Witten, first down, then Romo to Williams for 8, Silver moving with some speed now

> Romo from the gun, runs for 8 yards in something like 20 seconds

> Romo to Beasley, false start, and Romo trolls by throwing the ball to Green during the blown whistle

> Down to six seconds left, it's second and goal, refs move the clock back to 11 seconds with their final timeout because whatever

> Romo from the gun misses WR Bryce Butler, but of course there's a flag, because why not, really

> 5 yard contact on Maxwell, spelled A-s-o-m-u-g-h-a, and even Aikmann finds that call shifty

> First and goal from the 10 with seven seconds left from the gun, ball thrown out of the end zone with two seconds left, and hey, double coverage on the TE shows small signs of growth from Davis

> Silver 6, Green 0, and the Eagles have failed to do a damn thing in either first half of the first two games

> First half: 193 to 21 for Silver in yards, 23 minutes to 7 in time of possession, and somehow still a single possession game

> WR/KR Josh Huff meanders up to the 19, as Fox tells us that Alonso and Kendricks are both out, so this game is toast

> Bradford play action, clean pocket, first down to Agholor as Eagle Fan gives the sarcasm cheer

> Terrible play and blocking, loss of 6 for Murray, then the same thing for a loss of five, and this is the worst rushing attack I've ever seen for this laundry

> 3rd and 21 after two running plays should be a give up run for comedy's sake, and it's a screen to Sproles

> Blocked punt for touchdown, and P Donnie Jones is destroyed to boot, and yeah, the STs for this team are horrible now, too

> Jones gets helmet to helmet contact, and is killed for no flag

> Bradford into coverage for Agholor on first down, then grounds it on second down, then WR Riley Cooper goats it up on third down

> Jones is still alive, somehow, and punts

> Randle for 4 as LB Jordan Hicks celebrates a helmet-losing tackle for an ordinary game, because Culture

> Randle for the first, comes back on holding as the refs go, um, sure

> Romo to no one, then on 3rd and 13 it's a wheel route to Dunbar, who roasts Hicks, Nero's choice in the third round

> Randle stopped as Fletcher Cox has some pride, then Hicks forces a fumble as Romo is also injured

> Cox with the recovery while landing on the Dallas QB, and I'm not sure any team should be allowed to win the NFC Least

> With any sense of a pulse needing to happen on this drive, Bradford tries play action, takes a sack and so, um, nope

> 2nd and 15 is Bradford to Murray, a screen for 18, and that is the second first down of the entire damned game

> Murray for 2 yards on an out, then batted down at the line, but defensive holding for the charity first down

> Murray loses 5 on the sprint draw left that should never be called again, and keeps getting called for no goddamned good reason at all

> Murray is now 8 for -15, which is almost impossible to do, really

> Bradford tries Matthews, obvious DPI, and that's as good of a play as the Eagles can run today

> Bradford to Ertz for 9 yards, open in the middle of the field for the checkdown that he lives for

> Bradford to Sproles on a crossing route, Silver somehow getting mildly fooled by the "threat" of a running play

> Smoke screen to Huff, makes a move and gets nine

> Bradford to Murray, screen right, mild patience and power to get it down deep

> First and goal from the three with no running game is Bradford to Agholor, can't bring it down

> Bradrof from the gun, right to MLB Sean Lee, and that's as Sanchez-ish as humanly possible

> Nero's hand-picked QB, remember

> Randle for 7 as Fox discloses that Romo's done with a broken bone, which means they get to lose this game, too

> QB Brandon Weeden with a good throw to Beasley, and yeah, this game / season / coaching regime can end any minute now

> Randle for 4, Silver should just sit on the ball and milk the clock

> Randle for 3, then third and 3 to prolong the charade is Weeden from the gun to Dunbar, stopped short by Carroll

> Silver can't get it down at the 1, so there won't be a safety in this game

> Bradford for 9 worrisome yards, or would be if we cared about his health anymore

> Bradford to Matthews, can't come up with it, and he's doing that a lot this year

> Third and inches with no offensive line is a give to Murray, inside, and he actually gets it -- with post-whistle nonsense

> T Jason Peters hobbles off, and that looks like more than a play off, because why the hell not

> Bradford from the gun, throws to Murray, who hurdles CB Brandon Carr for an Anger Fueled Moment and 22 yard gain

> 15 more on Silver for post-whistle nonsense from K Dan Bailey, and wow, that may be the stupidest play in an entire game of stupid

> 3 for Murray, then Bradford stumbles while throwing to Cooper from his knees, who drops it, and that's as bad as NFL football gets

> 3rd and 8 has Bradford missing a wide-open Agholor, and Jebus Tebow could have hit that man

> K Cody Parkey hits from 46, and it won't be a shutout

> Bad STs gives Silver the ball on their own 27, 14 minutes left in this trainwreck

> McFadden for four in a scrum that takes forever

> Weeden from an empty backfield, runs for a first down, and he can do that, because the defense isn't that bright, really

> McFadden for two, then six, and the clock is starting to get dicey for two possessions and a terrible offense

> Third and 2 and have to have it is McFadden, obvious run and gets three to move the sticks

> Cox misses McFadden in the backfield, and that's a 4 yard gain that should have been a 5 yard loss

> Beasley on the smoke screen, super obvious pick not called, and Maxwell can't deal

> McFadden for nine as the defense is gassed and trashed

> Silver is better without Romo today, in that they are just going basic and letting the line win it

> Holding, then Randle for no gain, third and 11 and last chance for suckout

> Blitz, doesn't get there, and Weeden hits Escobar, who drops it for a brutal fumble that S Malcolm Jenkins returns for a first down at the Silver 30

> And... the Eagles turn it right back over, as Bradford isn't ready for the snap, and you have to be kidding me

> Refs then tell us that the play should not have happened, because the refs are as good as the game, really

> Maybe you blame C Jason Kelce for that, but FFS, everyone's horrible here

> Declined penalty, Silver gets it right back, and I have no words

> Holding, stopped run, then Weeden from the gun to Witten, and I have no idea why Silver is throwing the ball

> 3rd and 12 and let's see Mark Sanchez (?) is Weeden from the gun to Dunbar, won't get it done, holding declined, and another stand by the defense, I guess

> Sproles for a few, and Green has to go 82 yards, or about half of their entire offense to add whatever sense of drama one might have

> Bradford still, Huff for 10 checkdown yards

> Bradford to Matthews, first catch of the game, 13 preventable yards

> Bradford tries Ertz, tipped ball, third turnover the day, and yeah, I guess it's important that the TE looks terrible, too

> Third turnover in 12 snaps, LOL

> Silver false start, just to make sure everyone knows that everyone here is garbage

> McFadden for 2, Green uses first timeout because this can't last long enough

> McFadden for 2, same deal

> Weeden on the slant to Williams, terrible coverage by Maxwell, and that might be the worst case of coverage ever seen on an NFL field

> For some reason, Bradford comes back out

> Offsetting flags on a missed cross to Cooper, and by all means, Nero, keep calling his number

> Bradford to Matthews, first down, empty calorie stats to make this looks slightly less atrocious

> Bradford to Agholor, same play, same 10 yards, whoop de damn do

> Ertz for six yards, he's not as fast as the WRs on this meaningless play

> Bradford to Matthews, nice one-handed catch and his fantasy owners are mollified

> 9 more to Matthews, checkdown checkdown checkdown

> Murray for 9 inside, he's back to 0 yards for the day on 11 carries

> Murray to the 1, slow tempo because why not, and he's stopped again on a play that only his fantasy owners could care about

> Murray for a score, but G Allen Barbre with the hold, and you can hear Evan Mathis snickering from Denver

> Delay of game, because no one on the offense cares very much

> Bradford to Matthews, check down woo

> Fourth and comedy is Bradford to Matthews for a score, and you've never seen a player celebrate less, correctly

> Parkey connects for a score that puts lipstick on a decapitated pig

> Parkey can't kick a ball 10 yards, and that is that

> I honestly can not remember a worse game from my laundry, because God has blessed me with the ability to forget horrible things, which also means that I'm cursed with the ability to remain an Eagles fan

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