Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Eagles Nation Reacts: Bring Out Your Stupid

Play That Stupid Music, Chip Boy
So for the past couple of days, as you might have guessed, the greater Philly area has been awash in hue and cry -- mostly cry -- about the Eagles' epic fail. Which has mostly revolved around the following points of True Dumbness.

1) Chip's Gotta Fix This!

Um, folks? The team is -- or was -- healthy during this game, and the unit that has shown the most struggle has been the most healthy. To wit, these are the *starting* offensive lineman, and that means the back ups are *worse*. While still being sentient human beings, and presumably able-bodied men in their 20s and 30s.

But don't worry. The starters will be getting hurt real soon, because that's what happens to aging players, and players on teams that are going absolutely nowhere. They check out, and don't hurry back from injury, because hurrying back from injury just means more time wasted. Injuries are going to start happening for this club any goddamned minute now.

There is no fixing this.

There might be some wins, in that going winless in the NFL is downright difficult. Maybe even a remarkable recovery all the way back to utter mediocrity, which would be enough to win a division that is clearly the worst in football now, what with all of the injuries. But in terms of actually winning a game of importance, that hasn't happened in the first two years, and it's not going to happen now.

2) People Who Say I Told You So Are The Worst!

Um, no. People who aided and abetted Nero the GM are the worst, and YOU MUST ATONE. It's kind of like how the Democratic base rejected Hilary Clinton for Barack Obama in 2008, because the latter was Wrong Wrong Wrong on Iraq, and being Wrong Wrong Wrong on Iraq just was such a powerful fail. (Note: nearly 40% of the country was *always* against the war on Iraq. Not as if the media will tell you this, but I digress.)

I don't just want Kelly fired. I also want Howard Eskin gone. And as many Philadelphia sports media people with him. And sure, that's not how this works, but let the stink of Chip stay with his geishas forever, please.

If you didn't get off the boat fast enough, you failed. Maybe you should sell shoes instead.

3) They're gonna bounce back!

Um, did you *watch* the Monday Night game, where the Jets walked into Indy and made Andrew Luck look feeble? Are you aware that the game is in New York, that this is the first actually *good* defense the team will face this year, and that Brandon Marshall will get lined up against Brandon "Nnamdi" Maxwell?

I get that the Jets are historically bad. They aren't this year. They are 2-0, and neither win was a fluke. The defense is for real. The offense has a reasonable line, tolerable skill players or better, and a QB that is good enough to beat terrible teams at home. Which is what this team is. This season is over.

4) Tebow Will Save Us! Call Tebow!

Sometimes, I think people who root for this laundry deserve what they get.

5) Play Mark Sanchez!

See Tebow.

6) It's all Anyone But Chip Kelly's Fault!

Kelly signed Maxwell, who says he was too tired to cover the game-ending slant against Dallas, and laughed when told Julio Jones' numbers. Kelly traded for Sam Bradford, who threw the back-breaking picks in a game that, as badly as the Eagles played, was still winnable. He also looks utterly terrified of throwing anything more than ten yards down the field. Kelly retained Billy Davis, who did more to ruin the season than anyone last year. Kelly couldn't throw Evan Mathis any additional money, because signing back up RBs and QBs for big money was more important. Kelly couldn't abide DeSean Jackson, or retain Jeremy Maclin, and now has no one on the team that qualifies as a downfield threat. Kelly retains Riley Cooper, and continues to play him, for reasons that can only qualify as pure stubbornness. Kelly throws away Chris Polk, and trades for injury prone guys who get injured, and so on, and so on.

For six months, we've been saying the emperor has no clothes, that the train has left the tracks, and that this franchise had utterly lost its way.

Other people watched pre-season and talked about the Super Bowl, or Tebow.

So the stupid?

It's not new.

It's just gotten more obvious.

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