Sunday, October 4, 2015

Eagles - Slurs Diary

Derp Screech Derp Screech Derp
> With the weather just raw and windy, the empty seats in Slur Stadium for a game in early October became even more pronounced

> RB DeMarco Murray's prospects are crapped on by HC Chip Kelly, because even Nero knows from slow

> New K Caleb Sturgis gets it out of the end zone, and there's no clue on how much that was wind aided, because we've got Fox's worst announcing team for reasons

> Slurs with an illegal formation flag, then get a burst for 7 with RB Alfred Morris looking spry

> 2nd and 8 is Morris again, flag again, and Slur Clipping making it 2nd and 19

> QB Kirk Cousins from the gun, misses the open WR Jamison Crowder by a lot, maybe wind, maybe he just stinks

> 3rd and 19 is the give up draw that DC Bill Davis is always very surprised by, and it goes for 43 inexcusable yards to RB Chris Thompson

> Honestly, how anyone has any confidence in this coaching staff is beyond me

> 2 yard for Morris, then a batted pass by DT Brandon Bair, who's shown a knack for that

> Offsides by DT Fletcher Cox to make it manageable, and 3rd and 3 is a cotton-soft screen to Thompson for 19, who Green doesn't seem able to see

> Slurs in the red zone after 2 for Morris, then he's down for 2 more on nice tracking and tackling by reserve CB EJ Biggers

> Another back-breaking third down is Cousins to WR Pierre Garcon, easy slant that's been open for years against this idiot scheme

> From the 7, Morris loses a yard, with DT Bennie Logan doing the job

> 11th play of the drive and six minutes in, it's Cousins from the gun to Thompson, and LB Jordan Hicks saves a touchdown, but not the gain

> 3rd and goal from the 2 is RB Matt Jones, long dumb counter, and S Malcolm Jenkins ends that with prejudice

> K Dustin Hopkins connects from 20, and it's Slurs 3, Eagles 0, and I suppose that if you are going to give up a 3rd and 19 conversion on a give up draw, dodging a touchdown is all that you can hope for

> Slurs Fan still dresses in redface, because they are terrible human beings

> After a touchback, RB Ryan Mathews starts, because he's the Eagles' best RB not named Sproles

> QB Sam Bradford off the hands of RB Darren Sproles, then the inevitable left carry to Mathews for nothing

> 3rd and 10 and avalanche is a sack, because Bradford does not make decisions quickly, and this line is horrible

> Yet another really wonderful start from the offensive genius of Nero Kelly

> P Donnie Jones gets it away, and the Slurs PR runs 20 yards to lose 10

> Slurs from their own 41, Morris for two, home team trying to do what they can to be as predictable as Nero

> Cousins to TE Jordan Reed, easy drag for the first down

> Cousins to Reed as Fox decides to show the deep secondary, rather than the play, for another easy first down, because we've got the bad directing team, too

> Morris for a yard, as the Slurs don't want to just do the stuff that works

> Thompson on a good looking counter for six

> Fox reports that LB Mychal Kendricks and CB Brandon Maxwell are both down, so woo

> Cousins to Reed for the first down, because why cover the obvious thing, and LB Connor Barwin isn't quick enough for the sack

> Morris for nothing, nearly loses the ball, and you have to think running plays are a favor right now

> 2nd and 9 is Jones for 2, then 3rd and 7 is Cousins from the gun to Crowder in the end zone, but the pass isn't good enough to stay in bounds

> Tolerable coverage from CB Nolan Carroll, but a decent QB gets the TD, and remember this sort of play for later in the year, when the losses are by a lot more than this one

> Hopkins connects from 37, and it's 6-0 Slurs in what has to be seen as the second-best first quarter of the 2015 season so far

> In case you were preparing the "if the Eagles can't make plays against this secondary, they can't make plays against any secondary" theme... um, yup

> From the gun, Murray with an actual hole and burst, and gets 30 yards, just to prove that every blind and slow pig can occasionally luck into a hole

> Empty backfield, Bradford derps around for awhile before throwing it away, and it's telling that the play after a big play, with tempo, doesn't do much

> Murray for a far more likely 3, and that's the end of the first quarter, and on the plus side, at least our bad football game is going quickly this week

> That's another yard-free quarter for Nero's hand-picked QB

> 3rd and 7 from the gun is Bradford somehow avoiding a sack as LB Ryan Kerrigan comes straight up the gut, then throws it away, because throwing it away is what he does best

> Jones nearly blocked again as the STs are so much worse than last year, but it checks up deep to give the defense a chance

> From the 2, it's Morris for two as Fox talks about the Chicago White Sox for some reason, because, um, Z Team

> Cousins from the end zone as the Slurs get away with holding Logan, and the pass to Reed is out of bounds

> Refs stop everything for a procedure flag that will be declined, because Nero can't make that decision quickly either, and the refs are as bad as the game

> 3rd and 8 and have to get off the field before the defense starts passing out is Cousins from the gun to Garcon, slow dumb cross that's stopped by Carroll for little gain

> Slurs P Travis Way barely gets it off, and Sproles bails out for safety; roll gets 64 yards of field position for the Slurs

> Murray loses a boat load of yards on the Of Course First Down run, so this series is doomed

> 2nd and 15 has Bradford holding the ball until derpery, but the refs bail it out with illegal contact

> That's the best passing play in 17 minutes of "action"

> Replay shows men open, not that Bradford is going to do anything about it

> An actual completion to Sproles for a whopping 4 yards, and it's good that I was sitting down for that

> Sack number I've lost count, and T Lane Johnson looked awful there

> 3rd and 13 give up screen to Murray, because that's what Bradford does best; 8 yards and who the hell cares, which is a wildly high percentage of his throws this year

> Jones with more time, fair catch, but it comes back on an illegal shift, and have I mentioned how bad the STs are compared to last year

> That's the first time I've remembered hearing Josh Huff's name in a game this year, so, woo

> Slurs decline, because they are stupid, given how re-kicks are when big returns happen

> 132 to 25 on yards so far for the Slurs, and 30 of that came on one goddamned play, so yeah, this has been fun

> Cousins drops back and hits WR Ryan Grant on the soft cushion that is there all day

> Jones for 1 as Cox gets him by the hair, which is legal and kind of fun

> Grant for five as CB Eric Rowe with the play, both starting CBs out, yay

> 3rd and 5 from midfield from the gun is no pressure and an easy throw to Crowder for the first

> Honestly, the lack of imagination on third down defense is just... something I've gotten very used to

> Jones for 8 as the run defense is starting to soften

> The fact that this game was still in sight is proof, not that you needed it, that DC is also a terrible team

> Play action to Grant, whole defense buys the fake, 16 cotton-soft yards

> From the 20, same play, but Reed is covered by three guys; Cousins could have just kept it and ran for an easy ten yards

> Jones for two as NT Beau Allen loses his helmet and exposes his long, flowing mane, which counts as fun in this turdfest

> 3rd and 8 from the gun is incomplete in the end zone, but Rowe gets hit with the You're A Rookie DPI flag, because why not

> From the 1, Jones is stopped short, then Cousins fumbles the snap, picks it up and gets it in anyway, because this is as bad as football gets, which is to say, this is a game brought to you by Nero Kelly

> Despite a replay that shows that Cousins didn't cross the plane, the play stands, because why should the refs be any better than anyone else in this game

> Hopkins connects, and it's Slurs 13, Eagles 0 with 5:18 left in the first half

> Make no bones about it; these are terrible football teams

> Kick is a touchback, like every kick, and it's Mathews for five and not very fast tempo even after good plays

> Play action and an actual goddamned deep ball, with WR Nelson Agholor with the one-handed catch for 45

> See, Sam, throwing the ball more than five yards can actually lead to good things, honest

> Tempo that isn't tempo leads to the first gadget play of the year, with Agholor fumbling a toss from Mathews, and yeah, that's this year in a nutshell

> Mathews with a cavalier crap toss destroyed what was otherwise a good idea

> It's unfair to blame that on Nero, but he brought in Mathews, who has always been bad in ball security

> Cousins to Morris for 2, then Thompson for a yard, as the defense sucks it up so far

> 3rd and 9 from the gun is the first evidence of a pass rush today, with holding to boot

> Great series by a defense that could have threw in the towel

> Way punts to Sproles, who commits magic again with a return of 45

> Why anyone gives this man a chance to beat them, I'll never know

> From the 30, it's Bradford with time, checks down to WR Jordan Matthews for 8, and that's the 2-minute warning

> 2nd and 2 is Bradford out of the end zone to Matthews, and given the clock and situation, just getting the goddamned first down would have been fine

> 3rd and 2 and have to have it is tempo to Sproles, who saves them again

> From the 11, Bradford to TE Zach Ertz, but it's coming back for illegal formation, because we can't have nice things

> Agholor with the mistake, and he's having Josh Huff's 2014

> From the 16, Bradford missing the obvious screen to Sproles on a tip

> 2nd and 15 is a fake to Sproles, then the derpery sack that seems to be Bradford's signature play in this game

> Many WRs open on the replay, so no, this isn't a case of the Slur secondary doing anything all that great

> 3rd and 24 is the pointless checkdown that Bradford uses to make his numbers look less putrid, with Cooper getting who cares yards

> Nero knows enough to take a time out before the clock runs out, so that's progress

> Sturgis from 33 misses, because of course, and that's the first half

> Nero's hand-picked FA kicker, by the way

> If you had hit the stupid figgie, or not taken the back-breaking flag, you get the ball to start the second half, and the chance to actually resemble a functioning football team

> Once more, I feel really stupid for wasting my time on this franchise

> Touchback to start the second, and at this point I'm grateful, because the less Huff does, the better

> LT Jason Peters down again, because he's old and hurt all the time now

> Murray for a plodding 3, has to be considered better than usual for this year

> Bradford throws softly into double coverage, at Matthews for an incomplete, because your eyes haven't hurt enough

> 3rd and 7 has Bradford running for an easy first, like he had knees and confidence and stuff

> Murray on the Stupid Stretch play for no gain, progress over the big losses that usually provokes

> Bradford from the gun gives to Sproles on an end-around for a middling 2, only so many way to trick without an OL

> 3rd and 8 from the gun is slow tempo, and the QB has time and a clean pocket and Agholor makes a catch and woo, that resembled offense

> WR wasn't open, but throw was accurate

> Deep ball to Matthews, WR had a step, but the ball is too far and that's points left on the board against a bad defense

> Murray for four on long draw right, with C Jason Kelce taking the hold

> 2nd and 20 from the 38 is Bradford to WR Riley Cooper, of all people, who is running clear and catches a perfect throw that, to be fair, any NFL QB should be able to make

> Yes, the Slurs are also Not Good, but to be fair, it's hard to scout for throws of more than 5 yards against this team

> 62-yard TD, but Sturgis can't make the PAT, so yeah, game should be 13-10, but is 13-6 instead

> 3 minute drive for the score, and I guess this is a game, in that it has two teams, and one of them is likely to win

> At some point, Nero really needs to get an actual kicker

> Sturgis at least has a career in kickoffs, with another touchback

> Thompson for five, has been their best RB today, then Morris for four as the LBs are playing too deep

> 3rd and very short is a FB that's stuffed by the DL, really predictable play with LB DeMecco Ryans getting first penetration

> Way punts to Sproles, amazingly, who calls for a fair catch and gets tagged anyway, because the Slurs are also Not Good

> Cheap 15 is fun, and starts the team on their own 44

> Murray for a loss as the read option is wide open, not as if Bradford will take it

> Seam route to Matthews for 31, great throw and more for bogus helmet contact afterards

> That play is why we'll suffer with Bradford over Mark Sanchez for ever, along with the fact that Sanchez sucks

> Bradford misses Ertz in the end zone, then a give to Murry for 3

> 3rd and 7 and have to have it because we have no kicker is Bradford shaking off pressure, then connecting to the wide open TE Brent Celek, who stomps his way into the end zone

> Two best plays of Bradford's Eagle career on that drive, and it kind of looks like the QB isn't a liability right now

> On some level, I kind of think that Bradford scrambling for 14 on the first drive of the second half was an incredibly important play, in that he no longer looks like a scared puppy on contact

> Sturgis somehow derps the PAT through, and the game is tied with 23 minutes to go

> Sturgis with his one skill, so the Slurs start at their 20

> Cousins to WR Rashad Ross, absurdly open for a 43 yard arm punt, so this tie isn't holding for long

> Cousins to Grant for 7, then Morris for the thank you run and yard

> 3rd and 3 from the 30 is a big damned deal, and Garcon treats Carroll like a rented mule for the first down... but he's called for a face mask to stop the conversion

> 3rd and 13 from the 40 is a must stop sack moment, but the rush doesn't get there, and Crowder catches a jump ball in traffic for 23 and the first

> Just weak work by the DBs on balls that are just floating

> TE Derek Carrier for 3, then Morris for squat, as Jenkins does the job again

> 3rd and 7 and keep it at a figgie is Cousins from the gun, blitz doesn't get there, but Crowder can't catch the checkdown that wouldn't have mattered anyway

> Hopkins from 32 connects, and it's a Slur lead because they have a kicker, and Nero doesn't

> Defense has been OK against the run for the most part, but has given up too much in the passing game, and hasn't forced any turnovers

> Huff bobbles the touchback kickoff, which is about as exciting as that play gets now

> Bradford alone, takes Agholor for six unsatisfying checkdown yards

> Bradford misses WR Miles Austin, who looks about as fast as a punter

> 3rd and 4 is a big damned deal, and pressure forces the incomplete; offensive flag is declined, and Bradford limps off when he finally looked like a QB, so, woo

> A better QB gets bailed out with helmet contact there, not that Sad Sam will ever be at that level

> Jones with time and a good punt, coverage shows some violence, defense has to step up

> Bradford getting his ankle re-taped, which isn't going to do much for his, ahem, mobility

> Cousins to Garcon for yards, but LT Trent Williams is flagged for wandering down field, because derp

> Jones loses two as Jenkins fills on the patient run

> From the gun, Cousins has too much time, and Carrier gets 15 cottony yards in the flat

> 3rd and 1 on what should have been a shutdown series is Cousins from the gun, trickeration to Crowder, easy first and the ball in Eagle territory

> Morris for nothing, then Cousins hits Reed, but Hicks recovers a fumble with some nice strip work

> First play that LB Brandon Graham has made this year, I think

> Ruling stands, amazingly, and that was needed by a lot

> From the 42, Bradford with the fake and wheel route to Agholor, who fails to make what could have been a big play, and that's three quarters

> At least the ball was right and QB1 didn't die from the last contact, so, um, green shoots

> 2nd and 10 and have to move it is a check down to Ertz, bonus 15 for helmet conact and the TE looks concussed

> From the Slur 39, Bradford from the gun has time and Austin is open for another perfect deep ball

> Terrible secondary work by the seemingly wounded CB Chris Culliver to let a slow possession WR get that open in the end zone, but that's the Slurs for you

> Slur defense is wearing out and hasn't had a pass rush, which makes Bradford turn into Actual QB

> As for Bradford, I don't think I've ever seen a QB with more random activity

> Sturgis connects, and that's the first lead of the game for Green at 20-16

> Sturgis with a relatively short kick, which Ross waits and derps to the 19

> Morris for two, Cousins to Crowder for the easy cross and first down, and the pass rush isn't doing anything

> Cousins tries Ross deep, into double coverage, some actual pressure to encourage

> Cousins to Crowder, stupid open, easy first down, not making this easy

> From their 45, smoke screen to Garcon, and LB Connor Barwin and Rowe add 15 in response to the WR's hard running

> At the Eagle 34, Thompson loses to Cox, but the DL is hurt afterward and that's really Not Good

> 2nd and 11 is Cousins trying Garcon, contact, but the ball is too bad to bail out, phew

> 3rd and 11 and have to get off the field is a checkdown to Thomspon, Hicks in coverage to help the incomplete

> Slurs punt rather than try a 53 yarder, and Way puts it in the end zone for the whopping 18 yards of net

> Bradford to Ertz, coverage is too tight, but the Slurs rough the passer to give the gift 15

> Mathews for 9, nearly had a lot more, running game is a near surprise for the Slurs now

> Slight Detention Mode from the offense, probably not intentional, and Mathews gets six and the first, nice work by the OL

> Mathews for 8, but obvious holding brings it back on Celek

> 1st and 20 is Bradford from the gun, good check down to Austin for 12 and the clock runs, which seems to be a goal right now

> Sproles for a couple to set up third and really important

> Nine minutes and ticking, Bradford hits Sproles for an easy first down, but the RB just drops a ball that's behind him, on the hands

> Kind of mistake you just can't have in the fourth quarter of a road game

> Jones to the 9, fair catch, DC no longer going after punt blocks

> Tanya Snyder is against breast cancer, a brave stand for her

> Cousins misses Morris on a dump off, pressure from Hicks helps

> From the gun, Cousins to Grant, but the WR drops the checkdown as well

> 3rd and 10 is a big damned deal, and it's Cousins from the gun, barely avoiding a safety from presure from Graham, and the subsequent checkdown to Crowder is no gain, three and out

> Way to Sproles, fair catch at the 50, offense has the chance to put it away with 8 minutes left

> Murray for three tolerably tough yards, clock running

> Sproles on the end around for two, seemed more dangerous than that, but got tripped

> 3rd and 5 from the 45 is Detention Mode from the gun, Bradford hits Matthews, but the WR doesn't get the ball or the call, and while that's a terrible no call, you have to make a play

> Jones puts it in the end zone, and that's a major waste of an opportunity

> Slurs take a flag to make the start at their own 10

> Morris for 16, first hole he's had in forever, not a good time for it

> Morris for 6, huddling, then Thompson for a yard where backfield contact is made

> 3rd and 1 with 4:30 left is a chance, and Cousins from the gun gets it to Reed for 2, diagnosed but not stopped

> Cousins misses Ross on an out, 3:35 left

> Cousins to Carrier, flag for phantom defensive holding on Carroll for the first down

> From their 42, Morris with all kinds of room to get 13 and the first

> Morris for 3 as DC Billy Davis doesn't adjust, because it's not like he ever does that

> Slurs don't seem to care about clock

> Cousins to Grant, through coverage, first down and the 2-minute warning, and this game will come down to red zone defense, because the Eagles do not have a kicker

> From the Eagle 34, it's Cousins alone against a 3-man rush, Crowder for 4 into Biggers' good coverage

> 2nd and 6 from the 30 with 90 seconds left is an out to Grant, and the WR drops what would have been a 5 yard gain

> 3rd and 6 with Rising Tension is Cousins from the gun, gets out of trouble for the scramble first down, but penalties offset on mutual holding

> We do it again and Cousins connects with Garcon in heavy traffic, just a 50-50 ball that the WR wins over S Walter Thurmond

> Incomplete to Reed with 42 seconds left, and the TE is down, which takes away a Slur timeout

> From the 16, 42 seconds left, Cousins from the empty backfield pumps, then gets Garcon for another first down, and another time out

> 35 seconds left, ball at the 4, just a misery loss coming right down the tracks

> Cousins from the gun, out of the end zone, 4 seconds run off

> Second down, empty backfield, Cousins to Garcon, great play by the WR at the goal line, and the Slurs lead

> Why it took DC 56 minutes to remember to throw the ball to their best WR, we'll never know, but it was soon enough

> 26 seconds left and 3 timeouts left isn't absolutely impossible, but it is when you don't have a kicker or offensive line

> It says something about the level of my fandom that this didn't surprise or even upset me all that much

> Huff wastes time, but takes a knee finally

> Bradford to Ertz for 7 pointless yards, and a timeout

> 20 seconds left, Bradford takes the sack because the OL can't block against a motivated defense, second timeout

> Johnson is, seriously, just not good any more

> 3rd and 10, 15 seconds left, another sack, andother timeout, because let's make very sure the offensive line is shown at its true level

> 4th and 16 for a little more insult to injury is Lateral Fun to add to the fumble count, and that's your 1-3 start against four bad football teams

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