Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Top Ten NFL Pre-Season Questions

Smell The Fear
NFL training camps have started, which means it's time for some time honored ropes to come out for the nation's nerd gamblers -- err, fantasy sports players -- to suck down like members of a 12-step program around a craft table of cheap snacks. Let's dig in!

1) Will (Fill In the Name Of Risky Pick Oft-Injured Running Back) Stay Healthy This Year?

Yes, if you do not draft him. No, if you do. This game is easy!

2) How Many Rookies Can We, The Fantasy Nerds Of America, Fellate Only To Cut Bitterly In Week Three?

The answer may surprise you! OK, well, it shouldn't.

3) Will We Care About QB Battles As If Those Ever Resolve In A Good Fantasy Situation?

Yes, to the point where you might want to go back to reading about politics to avoid the overkill writing.

4) Is My Favorite Team Going To Make The Playoffs?

Only if you read the local beat writers, or listen to the players and coaches. And you know, if you get to the playoffs, you can win it all! (Note: your team is not going to win it all.)

5) How Much Weight Did Used To Be Fat Guy Lose?

Not enough to turn his career around, because Used To Be Fat Guy is a lot like Oft-Injured Guy, in that he's just taking time off from being Fat or Injured.

6) Who Will Be The Post-Hype Sleeper Value Pick?

No one that's being mentioned for the role right now, because it's early August and most people haven't drafted yet. Value Pick has a shelf life like a ripe banana. In a really hot room.

7) What Should I Take In An Individual Defensive Player Draft?

A sedative, so that you miss the draft. IDPs are the gateway drug to caring about punters. From there, homelessness.

8) Which fantasy football podcast is the best one?

The shortest. Fantasy football podcasts are worthless. Just toss a dart at some pre-set rankings and save yourself an unconscionable number of hours and brain cells.

9) What's new this year in daily fantasy?

The web site for Gamblers Anonymous is here.

10) Why Did You Waste My Time With This Clickbait?

 Because in the time you read this chucklefest, I have done more draft prep, and will come into our draft with an unstoppable tactical advantage. GAD, I AM EVIL. FEAR ME!

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